What a Mistress is really looking for

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What Female Dominants Are Really Looking For

This article is somewhat dated as it talks about the AOL chat, BUT all of it applies to today’s world of Facebook, Instagram, DM’s of all types!

It was just another night. There was nothing decent on the television, and I
had already rented just about everything at the video store. So, I decided to
pass the evening online.

As I chatted with friends and did a little research, a box appeared in the
corner of my AOL screen: (Gods, who remembers AOL chat?? ) an instant message. I glanced up to see an unfamiliar name, and a very familiar theme….

<<<< “Hello Mistress. i beg of You to forgive me for this intrusion. <bowing
naked before the beautiful Mistress> i am a submissive male seeking a
Mistress. i wish only to follow Your every command……i LIVE to please You.
Please allow me to be Your unworthy slave. i promise i will follow Your every
command. i will crawl across broken glass for You…i will shave my head in
tribute to You…i will carve Your initials on my scrotum… i am Yours to use
and abuse. Please, beautiful Mistress…” >>>>

On the other end of the line, my newly discovered `submissive’ is longing to
hear me say, “YES slave!! You are MINE!!! Grovel for me and prove your
unworthiness, WORM!”

My true reaction? I sighed heavily, shook my head in disbelief, then

<<<< ” Good evening. 🙂 I am well, thank you for asking. Yes, the weather IS
lovely here in Maine tonight. Would I like to chat with you a few minutes?
Yes….thank you for asking….” >>>>

At which point, the reply I usually receive is a well thought out:

<<<< “Huh?? What??” >>>>

Being a female Dominant, especially one who occasionally ventures online,
is NOT an easy task. Ask any Domme you know – I’ll bet they have received
more than a few instant messages like the one above.

Many submissive males, especially those online, seem to believe that all
female Dominants are looking for a compliant, powerless submissive who will
prostrate themselves 24 hours a day. These men mistakenly feel that the only
way women will be interested in accepting them, as their submissive, is if they
show their submission constantly and strongly. After all, a Domme seeks a
partner who will never speak unless spoken to, never show his intellect, never
look her in the eyes, and never, never, never wants to be treated as her equal.


Of course, I can’t speak for every female Dominant – after all, there are those
few who long to have a submissive who follows the example of my friendly
internet suitor….but, for the most part, Dommes seek a partner who knows
when to be a `submissive’ and when to be a `companion.’

Part of the problem many new (and some seasoned) male submissives
experience is too much fantasy in their lives – mainly the S/m themed
advertisements, the badly made domination films, and magazines that show
vicious women manhandling their compliant and appreciative submissive
males. For many men, especially those who have never had a chance to
venture out into BDSM society or clubs, these images are the real thing. After
all, the media doesn’t lie, do they?

But, as stated, this is fantasy. The reality is something completely different.
And it is a reality that most male submissives either didn’t know existed – and
are happy to discover – or reject automatically because the danger of the
fantasy is more appealing than following the rules.

Gentlemen….I have news for you. Listen up, because what I am going to say
will change your life….and hopefully your tactics!

A good Domme wants……an equal partner. A man who is confident,
intelligent, caring, patient, has a good sense of humor, appreciates his
partner, and realizes that a Domme/sub relationship is a 50/50 prospect. That
is not to say that the power exchange doesn’t swing in the Dominant’s
direction – just that, when you get down to it, the Dominant cannot take unless
the submissive gives…and for that to occur, the underlying relationship must
be equivalent.

Sort of sounds like most relationships to you? It should. Deep down, most
relationships – straight, gay, BDSM – are emotionally and socially pretty much
the same. It is merely our means of sexual gratification that differ.

Dommes are human, too. We require stimulating conversation. We enjoy a
good challenge. We welcome genuine emotion and intelligence. In other
words, we want a real person. On the few occasions that I have replied to one
of my sniveling IM’s, and told men this, they seem completely confused.

Here is a sample of my “dream” IM from a submissive male:

<<<< “Good Evening, Mistress Ren. How are you this lovely evening? Are you
interested in discussing the world global warming effects over the Arctic?” >>>

🙂 Ok…not quite…..but you get the point.

Intelligence is sexy. A `worthy opponent’ is a turn on. A submissive who is fun,

witty, bold, a wonderful companion, and who dares to look you in the eye and
ask questions is a worthy partner. Confidence, bearing, and the knowledge of
WHEN to act submissive is equally important.

Having said this, I’m going to tell you in depth what most Dommes are looking


BDSM partnerships aren’t all play, play, play! A Domme wants a partner with
whom she can carry on an intelligent conversation. Have you ever heard the
saying `the sexiest organ is the brain?’ It’s true! You don’t have to be a
Rhodes scholar, but being able to discuss something other than cbt is a huge

It takes intelligence to be a submissive. Submissives need to know the
intricacies of both submission and Dominance just as well as Dominants do.
After all – how else would a sub know if the Dominant is doing something
incorrectly? Also, having a submissive who is intellectually as well as
physically stimulating helps to keep partnerships intense, fresh, and
interesting. 🙂

A submissive who takes the initiative to continue learning about BDSM on
their own time is also highly prized. BDSM is ever evolving – and a submissive
who takes the time to stay current is not only an asset to his Mistress, but
to other submissives, who may look up to him as a Mentor.


Nothing kills a relationship – any kind of relationship – faster than
Be honest about your expectations, desires, needs, and wants. Also, be
completely honest about partnership, family commitments, etc. Some men
avoid honesty, fearing that it will `ruin their chances’ of finding a partner,
especially if they have family obligations. But it is far better to be upfront
to be deceitful.

Some subs are dishonest about their play likes and dislikes in the scene.
They worry that if they are not willing to do `anything,’ they will be perceived

as `difficult’ or `topping from the bottom.’ As a Domme, I immediately disregard

emails from submissives that state that they will do `anything’ or that they
no limits. Everyone has limits, likes, and dislikes, and one should be
comfortable stating them, especially in a close partnership. A good Domme
will appreciate your honesty. Besides…it gives you both something to work up
to, right?

Self Confidence

There are very few Dommes I have met who want a `doormat’ – a submissive
who lives only to please, cannot think for himself, and gains his self-
confidence ONLY from serving. Most female Dommes want a male
submissive who is able to `stand tall’ even when he is kneeling – somebody
who is confident about his position as a submissive and realizes that it makes
him wanted and admired. Gentlemen – self-confidence is SEXY!

A self-confident submissive is a delight to withhold. He is sure of his value,
comfortable of his worth, and displays his self-confidence with quiet pride, but

never arrogance. He knows that when he makes mistakes, he will benefit from
them by learning from them. His posture is straight, his physical positions are
held comfortably, and his face is serene but focused. A self-confidant
submissive has about him his own aura of control – and this adds not only to
his worth, but also his Dominant’s pride.


Submission is a position of responsibility! Very often, submissives have
chores and rules assigned to them – and it is expected that the submissive be
responsible and follow them. Submissives who do not show responsibility do
not retain their partners for long!

Responsibility extends far beyond completing chores – being on time when
meeting your

Dominant, knowing how to care for your Dominant without constantly being
reminded, being prepared for play sessions, taking responsibility for packing,
unpacking, and cleaning toys when necessary….the list goes on.

Responsibility also extends to your life beyond submission – your career, your
family, and other aspects of existence, as we know it. A sub’s life should be
full and varied – not based only on serving – and a sub MUST recognize when
their real-life responsibilities take precedence over their BDSM lives. Family,
work, military duty, and previously scheduled personal events (such as
weddings, vacations, etc.) must come first.

Very often, new submissives – who fear losing or upsetting a Dominant
partner – will place serving before his real life obligations. A GOOD Domme
will encourage a sub to remember his priorities and will work with him to find
a schedule that accommodates both partners (remember our 50/50 lesson
from earlier?). Any Dominant who insists that NOTHING come before her is
NOT a Dominant worth having!

And yes….you have my permission to repeat that. <grin>


Speaking of submissive responsibilities…..another trait that is very important –

especially to Female Dommes – is dependability. I cannot tell you how many
times I, have been disappointed by a sub’s failure to fulfill an assignment, or
how many times I, and other Dommes I know, have agreed to meet with a
submissive, only to have him either show up extremely late, or not show up at
all! Being dependable is important!

Of course, life happens…traffic jams, unexpected problems at home…last
minute assignments at work…..and a good submissive will immediately
contact a potential Domme and let her know of any delays or the need to
renegotiate the time schedule of an assignment. It is far better to offer an
honest explanation, and beg for leniency! <grin>


You don’t have to cry at Hallmark commercials…but having a sense of
genuine caring and compassion is important. Your sense of caring should go
beyond just your Domme…..empathy toward your fellow submissives and
brothers and sisters in BDSM is very important.

It is also very important that you have a sense of caring about yourself. No
Domme wants a pitiful person who endlessly knocks himself down. When you
care about yourself, you are much more capable of caring about others.
Caring is one of the bases of human relationships, whether that relationship
be BDSM or vanilla. You don’t have to be `Mr. Merry Sunshine’ 24 hours a
day – everyone is entitled to their down times – but being upbeat, pleasant,
and caring toward yourself not only adds years to your life – it helps you find
partner a lot faster.

A Sense of Humor

BDSM is a wonderful thing…and like all wonderful things, it can go
absolutely, completely wrong! So having a good sense of humor is very
important. Sure – BDSM can be really serious stuff – but it should also be FUN.
If we don’t laugh at it, and during it, every now and then, we become quite

Some of the best BDSM relationships I have seen are the ones where
partners share humor between each other. There is nothing wrong with a
Domme and sub knowing when to kid and gently push each other’s buttons –
a bit of mischief adds to the spice of the relationship – and gives Dommes a
reason to break out the paddles! <evil grin>

Of course, there is a time and place for humor…and a well trained submissive
will know the difference. But again…FUN is the key!


When your Domme asks you to do something special for her, creativity
counts. Male submissives who are able to show their affection and gratitude
in a creative manner are greatly prized! Creativity may also extend into
sceneing – helping a Domme script new adventures and helping to set the

Creativity is the one part of submission that sets most submissives
apart…..most submissive will run a bath for their Mistress…it is the `creative’
sub who dims the lights, places out scented candles, and provides himself as
a side table on which to place her drink and book while she relaxes in the tub.


The art of being a Gentleman has not died. Male submissives who follow the
basic rules of societal etiquette are greatly prized! Even in this day and age,
woman appreciates having a man open a door for her…and A Domme is no

Manners are the basis of the portion of the BDSM community known as the
`Old Guard,’ where Emily Post would feel right at home, and military protocols
rule. Of course, you don’t have to be one of the few and the proud to have
manners….just remember what Mom taught you, and you should be able to
impress not only your Domme, but also everyone else observing you while in

An Adventurous Streak

As stated earlier, everyone has their limits, but the submissive who is willing
to be adventurous and try something new, stretching his limits, is a wondrous
thing. A submissive who is willing to take that one extra stroke to experience
the sensations that occur just past his threshold, or the submissive who will
something totally outrageous for the thrill of it, will not only discover
new within himself, but will also be a delight to his Dominant. After all,
Dominants’ enjoy pushing limits and seeing just how much a submissive can

Common Sense

They say that `common sense’ isn’t all that common….and, unfortunately,
among some male submissives, that saying is true.

Common sense seems like a trivial thing – but it isn’t. Common sense is very
important and prized by many Dommes. For example….

Would you send a sexually explicit, practically pornographic description of
your mating habits to a woman on a vanilla dating site? Would you include a
picture of your little one-eyed friend? Ahhh….No. So……why would you send
a letter like that to a Domme?

Good Grooming Habits

You’d think I wouldn’t have to extol the virtues of soap and water, BUT………

Dommes want a partner they would be proud to `show off’ in public.
Cleanliness and neatness count! Don’t greet your Domme at the local Munch
in your best WWF T-shirt….show her you care by dressing for her. A tux isn’t
necessary – but a clean, pressed shirt and pants that don’t have worn out
knees are nice.

A submissive is a `representative’ of a Dominant…and the appearance of the
submissive reflects upon the Dominant. Always present yourself looking your
best, whether it be your first meeting or your 101st. After all, you want other
Dommes to look at you and envy your Mistress, Right?

The REAL you!

Be yourself. This is the simplest advice that most male submissives forget to
follow….and the one thing almost every female Domme is seeking…..the
REAL you. Don’t try too hard to be something you are not….a Domme will see
through this. Yes, you should make a good first impression, but always try to
relax and let your true self shine through, because THIS is the person a
Domme wants to meet. Have faith in yourself….and the rest will all work out.