Category: Uncategorized

There’s no such thing as:

1. Intimacy without vulnerability

Every once in a while, a client would come for a first session with his heart set on having the amazing kinky experience he’d always dreamed of, but would end up disappointed because of something I had no control over: the walls wouldn’t budge. He had a very specific fantasy, but he wouldn’t be able to communicate specifically what it was. He couldn’t let go of the initial discomfort and let the scene happen, let alone allow me a good enough glimpse of his inner world to take control of it for an hour. Verbalizing his truth—how he really felt, what he really wanted—put him at risk of rejection, or perhaps worse, being laughed at. For some people, that risk is too frightening.

This kind of interaction happens all the time, in any relationship. I’m occasionally guilty of expecting people in my life to be able to read my mind. If they could just do that, I’d have the ultimate fix: the intimacy I crave without risk of being misunderstood or rejected. Unfortunately, I haven’t met anyone who can do that. To let people in, I have to let down my guard. Otherwise I’m still alone.

2. An accurate definition of sex

Presumably, this is why commercial dungeons can operate legally in New York City—it’s also why they routinely get raided and shut down by law enforcement. It’s a never-ending effort on both sides to figure out if what pro doms are providing can be defined as prostitution.

To get a good laugh, all you need to do is ask a New York lawyer what legally constitutes sexual conduct. NYC criminal defense attorneys Crotty Saland PC say, “As applied to offenses relating to Prostitution, courts seem to agree that ‘oral sexual conduct,’ ‘anal sexual conduct,’ ‘masturbation’ and ‘sexual intercourse’ fall within this definition… While the analysis of these scenarios is fact specific, each case is different and requires the analysis of a skilled criminal defense attorney.”

The lines one can draw around sex are only valid for the individual drawing them, and may change as that individual’s sexuality develops and evolves. This point is especially apparent when it comes to unusual fetishes. I had clients who were completely sexually satisfied by things most people wouldn’t regard as sexual at all. For some, having a tooth pulled, mopping the floor, or watching a girl wiggle her toes while she’s wearing jeans over tights are highly erotic activities.

Sex lies in the eyes (or mouth, or feet, or what have you) of the beholder.

3. A typical submissive man

I’m often nudged to confirm the stereotype of the dungeon client as a high-powered executive, a controlling breadwinner who comes to a dominatrix because it is his only release from the stress of his daily alpha role. I’m sure that does exist. Successful businessmen do make up a good portion of dungeon clientele, but that’s probably a result of the price of entry. However, I never had a typical client demographic that otherwise differed much from that of the greater New York City male population (I rarely had female clients, which is another can of worms).

I saw guys from a huge variety of economic backgrounds, nationalities, and ethnicities, with all sorts of career paths, social group affiliations, political leanings, and religions. I had older (okay, mostly older—and some way older) clients, and clients who looked like they’d saved up their allowances to see me (we did card those). Some were douchebags; some were sweethearts. Some were shy—and others chatted up every person they encountered on the way in, talked through the entire session to me as well as on their phones, and asked to be paraded down the streets of Manhattan in pink tutus. Some were virgins; some were married with children. Some were out, and some were paranoid about being identified to the point of wearing sunglasses through their sessions—well, one guy did that.

The men I saw walk through the dungeon doors represented all walks of life. Their only common denominator was the dungeon, of all things.

4. A woman who isn’t someone’s wildest fantasy

I had the odd pleasure of taking phone calls at all three of the houses I worked for, making appointments for the doms. Usually, if we had a caller who wasn’t sure about who he wanted to see, I’d ask if he had a preference for a certain type of woman.

“Physically?”

“Physically, or otherwise—a certain look, demeanor, or style, perhaps?”

There were guys who wanted Amazon women. Petite women. Blondes, amputees, voluptuous, curvy girls… The list of requests was endless. Lots of tattoos, no tattoos, slutty-looking, elegant, tomboyish, smelly, slender feet, long hair, long nails, shaved head, gothic-looking, black, white, Brazilian, mature, “with an 80’s side ponytail” (for real), classic feminine beauty, muscular, busty, flat-chested, strict, bratty, girl-next-door. There was a niche for any woman, truly. Part of my job as a manager at Rapture was to guide new doms in finding and developing their own sex appeal.

Most women think they have to mold themselves into a very limited idea of what they think men want. What I had to remind them consistently was that sex appeal doesn’t come from a cookie cutter. It has to start with something unique, something that they already possessed. Once they embraced what was remarkable about themselves, it was never a far reach to a really hot fantasy.

5. A neat cause-and-effect explanation for the nuances of human psychology

People like to come up with theories to match their experiences, even if doing so means ignoring big chunks of information. As Dan Savage once described on his podcast, about half of people who are into spanking will say, “I was spanked as a child, so that’s why it turns me on to be spanked.” The other half say, “I was never spanked when I was a child, so subconsciously I always craved that kind of attention and now I’m aroused by spanking.” Sexuality is manifested in so many ways, probably as many as there are different personalities. My theory is that for some people, specific moments trigger specific kinks. For most of us, though, it’s more complicated than that.

6. “Normal”

Being a pro dom is part theater, part service, part therapy. Along with kinks they’d never disclosed to their closest friends or wives, clients often shared other secrets with me. Their sexualities were not the only aspects of themselves they couldn’t quite reconcile with the rest of their lives. Through working with these people, seeing their complexities, accepting them as they were—often as no one else ever even had the privilege of witnessing them— and hearing their confessions of being different in one way or another, I came to see the world differently.

I think this had something to do with the fact that generally, before they stripped down, my clients looked average. They rarely had any of the “identifying markers” people wore in my own little social enclave, like neon hair and facial piercings. I started seeing people outside the dungeon who looked just like my clients did, and realized they each had their own stories. I began to imagine that everyone struggles to fit into the various roles we either take on ourselves, or which are imposed upon us. I feel lucky to live mostly according to my own expectations now, inside and outside of my enclaves, but it hasn’t always been easy. It’s been a process for me to shake off the desire to fit in or measure up to someone else’s standards. My clients taught me a lot about the misery that can bring, and about the freedom of sharing something they thought was strange or unacceptable. As a friend of mine who is fond of cheesy sayings tells me, “Normal is just a setting on your dryer.”

7. A replacement for hard work

As a director at Rapture, I participated in the recruiting and hiring process for new dominatrixes. Dungeons have a very high turnover rate due to several factors. One of these is that people often underestimate the amount of work it takes to be successful in any part of the adult industry. They also misjudge what makes a successful dominatrix. The reality is that no matter how good-looking, or how naturally dominant, or how experienced in the BDSM “lifestyle,” you are, work takes work. I’ve met scores of gorgeous, talented, sexy young women who came to New York to make easy money. It doesn’t exist. The ones who ultimately made money, and made it look easy, were the ones with street smarts who busted their asses to get into their own rhythm of marketing and sessioning and gaining a following of devoted regulars. Successful women don’t take anything for granted.

8. A one-sided relationship

This is a tough one for me to delve into. As a pro dom, I got countless offers from men wanting to be my slave. So many of them would proclaim their devotion and declare that under my ownership, they would expect nothing in return for their services—as houseboys, as human furniture, as ashtrays, as toilets, as skilled workers, as personal assistants, as sex toys, as punching bags, as pets, etc. etc. I have taken on one slave in my life, who wore my collar for several years.

I believe the main reason our arrangement ultimately failed was that he refused to acknowledge his own needs. He held stubbornly to his fantasy of “true” ownership and slavery, to the point that his desires ended up coming up sideways. This was a huge obstacle to communication between us, and no amount of negotiation or contracts or arguing could resolve it. I prefer not to go into details of the ensuing ugliness, but only to say that a slave’s or submissive’s wants and needs must be brought to light for a relationship to work in the real world, just as all parties must contribute work and gain reward, in their own way, in any relationship.

9. Universal taboos

Just like normalcy, what’s abnormal is a cultural construct. Working in a professional dungeon atmosphere makes this obvious, when certain things are customary that wouldn’t be in other jobs (nudity in the office, for one, or having time taken up at staff meetings to discuss protocol for cleaning lube off the furniture). One of the things I’m most grateful for to the BDSM communities I’ve been part of over the years is showing me something of the active creation of culture in opposition to religious or political values that don’t work for us. At its best, dungeon culture prioritizes acceptance of all people, feminine power, technical skill, beauty, and pleasure. These are values we choose to assert. It is possible to create a new culture around chosen values. It takes a community with a vision and the willingness to step outside of the restrictions of the dominant society.

10. A good age to stop playing

Play is how we learn. One of the many job perks of a dominatrix is the opportunity to embody different archetypes, to be spontaneous, to react to and lead another mind and body in a new direction. A good session is a gorgeous dance, and a good dominatrix can lead with a spirit of fluidity. I hope I never stop playing for its own sake. Life would be mind-numbing if I didn’t get out of my head sometimes, to explore it with a fresh perspective, and to enjoy my partner in the moment.

A lot of the stuff I learned as a dominatrix isn’t generalizable outside of the dungeon—like how to make shoes smell more like feet, or what kind of champagne makes the best enema. But so much of it is generalizable. Working in dungeons allowed me to really get hands-on with people, to explore how to relate with them in all kinds of ways, and to play in the world at its edge.

As I hope to inspire and guide more Women into the Female Lead Relationship lifestyle, helping them set up their home Dungeon is equally as rewarding. Of course, you can have the cake without the icing, but why! The Dungeon can be used for punishment or pleasure (sometimes both can be very erotic) For me, the Dungeon is my palace, my house of worship, my meditation space, and at times just where my kitties hang out.

Not every toy has to be out in the open, not every wall lined with whips and chains.

Here are some time shared by lovense.com:

1. THINK ABOUT SPACE

---

Which room you want boils down to your preference but also what’s available. 

• Is your available space large or small?
• Does it need to be hidden or can it be out in the open?
• Is it more for personal use or something professional?
• Is it hidden enough from public eyes?
• Do you need to worry about noise complaints?

Basements, garages, and attics are the most popular choices for atmosphere and freedom. Anything beyond that, you just need four walls, a floor, and a ceiling.

Climate control is also important. Make sure everyone in there is comfortable – not overheated or freezing. Mold can also be a problem if you can’t control the humidity.

2. COLOR AND ATMOSPHERE

---

Image via slutever

Red and black are the most popular, but you don’t have to use them if you don’t want to.

I’ve seen some beautiful spaces that used whites mixed with industrial accents. It looked like a kinky apple store, and it was gorgeous. Then there’s brick or fake stone for something akin to a wine cellar or actual dungeon.

Or why not something regal with rich purples, yellow, and blues? I also one that was bright, hot pink – like a Hello Kitty died on the walls.

Go with whatever you love!

If you’re not designed-minded, remember, choose one main color and one or two accent colors.

Lighting doesn’t need to be dark and menacing either. Try soft and romantic, harsh spotlights, or trippy disco balls if that’s what you want.  Anything goes.

My personal favorite is one general light as well as several spots lights – all on dimmers.

3. WHAT’S YOUR BUDGET?

---

Image via slutever

Most of us don’t have loads of cash to throw around, so we need to be selective about what we buy for our dungeons.

If you’re strapped for cash, consider ONE showpiece – like a frame bed, St. Andrew’s cross, spanking bench, throne, fucking machine, or sex swing.

It should be the most distinct item in your collection and your favorite thing. Your decorations and layout will center around this piece.

It should be the same concept if you have more money, but you’ll just be able to fill the space with more toys.

4. BUY REPUTABLE

---

Any commercial play pieces that will bare considerable weight should be well made by a person or company who knows what they are going.

You don’t have to spend a fortune, but it pays not to go cheap on something – especially if you don’t want it falling apart while you’re in the middle of a session.

5. BUILD OR REPURPOSE

---

Don’t turn up your nose at DIY or repurposed furniture in lieu of commercial products.

Try converting a storage bench or coffee table into a spanking box by added eye bolt screws. You’ll be able to attach your restraints as well as store all your kinky things if company comes over (or you just want to keep things tidy).

Find hidden gems in vintage stores, thrift store, yard sales, or auctions

A simple chair can have endless possibilities. Massage tables as well.

Hit up some yard sales or auctions for nice things at affordable prices – mirrors, rugs, interesting pieces of furniture, dog cages etc.

Don’t fret about color, you can always repaint it.

6. USE SPACE WISELY

---

Begin by measuring large pieces and room dimensions. Because, even if you’re swimming in square footage, you need to PLAN where your things will go or if they’ll even fit.

• Are things easy to clean around?
• Are there enough strong points to attach things to?
• Will you want to move things around a lot?
• How many people will you have in there at one time?
• Do you have plans to buy other large items?
• If it’s a bed or other frame, can you (or do you need to) access it from all sides?

NOTE: Anything that’s going to bear the weight of a human body needs to be affixed to a STUD within the ceiling or walls. If you don’t know how to do this, go to a hardware store and ask an experienced employee how to do this.

I know it’s tempting to just watch a Youtube video, but you don’t want to mess around with safety. If you’re worried about blushing, don’t be. There are plenty of reasons to hang heavy things in your home and you don’t need to mention that it’s a person.

If they ask for kilograms, just go well over the weight of the person/people you’ll be playing with.

7. A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING

---

Make sure you have ample storage space.

This can be in the form of chests, decorative boxes, shelves or shelving units, eye hooks, cupboards etc. Look at what you have and where the best places to put them.

Messy dungeons are dangerous and not sexy.

8. FILLING IT UP WITH TOYS

---

Image via Pinterest

When it comes to the smaller things (like floggers, rope, clamps, etc.), stay mindful of your budget. You can fill your kink closet with plenty of goodies from a dollar or hardware store if you need to pinch pennies. If you have money to spare, focus spending your dollars where high-quality items are needed – eg. floggers, sex toys etc.

Get ideas for cheap BDSM equipment here:

 Cheap BDSM Equipment from Dollar, Thrift, and Hardware Stores.

9. POWER OUTLETS

---

You don’t want long extension cords everywhere. They’re tripping hazards … and ugly. If you have anything that needs to be plugged in (like fucking machines) make sure to put it someplace near an outlet.

It’s even better if the room already has many outlets.

It’s EVEN BETTER if you can find someone to put outlets anywhere you want – but that’s only for people with extra green or extensive know-how.

10. SAFETY TIPS

---

Image via Pinterest

• If you choose to make something, just be careful it’s made properly (safe is better than pretty).

• Make sure floors, walls, furniture, and other surfaces are easily cleaned and sanitized.

• If you’re going to use candles for wax play or just decoration, nearby fabrics should be flame retardant.

• Battery candles can be convincing enough if you want mood lighting but worry about the fire department showing up.

• Carpeted floors might not be the best idea, especially if you’re going to be dealing with sweat, drool, and other bodily functions. Area rugs are the go to if you really want something soft under your feet.

• Wood items should be sanded to avoid splinters.

• Avoid second-hand sex-specific dungeon items – you don’t know how well they’ve been sterilized or maintained.

• If your sacred kink-zone is in a basement, mind the possibility of water leaks etc.

• Like any room in your home, it’s important to keep it safe, warm, comfortable, and CLEAN.

Enjoy! Hit me up in the comments to share YOUR home Dungeon!

I work hard to bring you new articles and new photos. I try to research everything that I can about the benefits of a BDSM lifestyle. This week, I am sharing an article from Very Well Mind about the mental health benefits of BDSM.

Mainstream culture often represents BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and sadomasochism) as reckless, dangerous, and unhealthy. Take Fifty Shades of Grey, for instance; Christian Grey’s reasons for enjoying kink stem from his childhood abuse. Television crime dramas often portray fetishists as seedy, unethical lawbreakers. It isn’t just the media that frames BDSM this way.

Prior to the release of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2013, participation in fetishism and sadomasochism was actually considered a mental disorder by health professionals. Attitudes about kinky sex have shifted. Pop culture didn’t make kink the latest fad, however. Humans have always had a penchant for adventurous sex.

A 2005 Durex Global Sex Survey found 36% of adults admitted to using some form of bondage during lovemaking. Even back in 1956, a ​Kinsey Institute Study revealed 50% of men and 55% of women enjoyed erotic biting. We may not be having kinky sex much more than we always have, but we’re certainly talking about it more.

Recent studies devoted to understanding BDSM and its effects on the body have shown surprising results. Not only are researchers failing to find evidence of harm BDSM causes, but they are also discovering it actually has quite a few health benefits.1

Improved Mental Health

Research from the International Society for Sexual Medicine published a study on the Psychological Characteristics of BDSM Practitioners.¹ The aim was to measure the mental well-being of kinksters by examining key personality traits such as their attachment styles in relationships, general well-being, and how sensitive they were to rejection compared to those in a control group. Researchers not only discovered the kinksters weren’t psychologically damaged but were, on average, more well adjusted than their vanilla counterparts.

The study subjects in the BDSM group felt more secure in their relationships and had an increased sense of well-being. They were more conscientious toward others, more extroverted, and more open to trying new experiences. They also had decreased anxiety and were less sensitive to others’ perceptions.

Interestingly, the people in this sample were also more aware of their own sexual needs but less agreeable. These characteristics go hand-in-hand with one’s ability to effectively express boundaries and desires.

All of these characteristics may be indicators of extensive psychological work done by BDSM lifestylers that positively affects their mental health. This work coupled with their high level of self-awareness enhances personal relationships both inside and outside of the bedroom leading to increased overall happiness.

Less Stress

Research has shown BDSM participants enter an altered level of consciousness similar to the meditative state yoga practitioners experience or the marathoner’s “runner’s high.” It is commonly known these activities can benefit health by helping lower our levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Participation in BDSM may have the same effects.

A series of studies from Northern Illinois University showed evidence of this altered state of consciousness associated with BDSM.² In one study, saliva samples were taken from submissives and dominants during sadomasochistic scenes. The dominant partners showed a decreased level of cortisol after the session concluded.

Decreased cortisol protects us from a wide range of health ailments, including high blood pressure, suppressed immunity, and insulin resistance.

Cognitive function after painful BDSM sessions was the focus of the second study. Partners receiving pain showed reduced functions in the limbic and prefrontal areas of the brain. These areas are associated with working memory and executive control.

Researchers concluded that blood flow to these areas was reduced, resulting in an altered state of consciousness. Many in the BDSM community call this state of being “subspace” for submissive partners and ”topspace” or “flow” for dominants. Researchers have also found that some participants regard BDSM as a spiritual experience.³

Improved Relationships

Researchers have also determined that participating in successful sadomasochistic scenes increases the feeling of connectedness and intimacy with partners.²

We also know that doing novel things with romantic partners, rather than the same routine activities, increases intimacy. Brain scans of married couples revealed that sharing novel activities triggers the brain’s reward system and floods it with dopamine and other feel-good chemicals.⁴ This is similar to what happens in the brain during the beginning stages of a relationship. There is also increased activity among long term partners in love relationship partners. These are the same chemicals that keep the smile on our faces and butterflies in our tummies when we experience new love.

While studies of long-term marriages do not specifically include BDSM practices among its exciting and adventurous test activities, they may qualify. Just as you can alter your brain chemistry for the better by visiting an amusement park, taking a pottery class, or playing a thrilling new game with a lover, you may also invoke the same chemical changes with BDSM. Roleplaying or adding other adventurous, novel stimulus to your bedroom activities could also bring about an increased feeling of connectedness and overall happiness within a relationship.

By the way, if you have read all of this… now go have a look at my latest photo gallery! I wanted to show off my new toy cabinet.

So we finally upgraded our camera! From the old 7D to the new EOS R. So far, Nick says he loves it. He’s been studying a lot of older photographers fetish work and we are coming up with some shoot themes.

We are going to explore styles related to  Irving Klaw, Robert Harrison, Eric Stanton, Leonard Burtman, John Willie, Gene Bilbrew, and Charles Guyette. These were some of the greatest of the modern fetish art movement. Taking our art to new places is very exciting and I am happy to have you all coming along for the ride.

Getting to reproduce some of this work with my own style added in is going to rewarding and challenging!

The gallery pages are here. Make sure you leave me a comment here to let me know what ya think!

In the child’s game, Trust Me, one person stands behind the other. The one in front falls backward, trusting the other to catch them before crashing to the floor. Trust Me contains an element of danger, the risk of not getting caught and getting hurt. The person falling places great trust in the person catching. When the falling player trusts the catcher enough to let go completely, and the catch happens as planned, both players experience a moment of exhilaration that’s difficult to duplicate any other way.

It’s About Trust

BDSM is similar. The myth is that it’s abusive and weird—whips and chains! Actually, it’s about trust. When trust trumps the possibility of harm, the result can feel incredibly intimate and erotic.

There are several terms for BDSM: power-play or domination-submission (Ds) because one lover has control over the other, at least nominally; sado-masochism (SM), which involves spanking, flogging or other types of intense sensation; and bondage and discipline (BD), which involves restraint. But the current term is BDSM.

Many people consider BDSM perverted, dehumanizing, or worse. But aficionados call it the most loving, nurturing, intimate form of human contact and play. People can have sex without conversation, negotiation, or any emotional connection. But in BDSM, the players always arrange things in advance with clear, intimate communication, which creates a special erotic bond.

DeSade and Sacher-Masoch

Ancient Greek art depicts BDSM. The Kama Sutra (300 A.D,) touts erotic spanking, and European references date from the 15th century. But BDSM flowered during the 18th century, when some European brothels began specializing in restraint, flagellation and other “punishments” that “dominant” women meted out to willingly “submissive” men.

In 1791 the French Marquis de Sade (1740-1814) published the first SM novel, Justine, which included whipping, flogging, nipple clamping, and restraints. His name gave us “sadism.” DeSade was imprisoned for criminal insanity, one reason many people consider the sexual practices he popularized crazy.

In 1870, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895), published the novel, Venus in Furs, about male sexual submission. His name inspired “masochism.”

In 1905, Freud coined the word, “sadomasochism,” calling its enjoyment neurotic. The original Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I, 1952) classified sexual sadism as a “deviation.” DSM-II (1968) did the same for masochism. DSM-IV (1994) lists SM as a psychiatric disorder.

Just Another Way to Play

But all available evidence shows that the vast majority of BDSM enthusiasts are mentally healthy and typical in every respect—except that they find conventional (“vanilla”) sex unfulfilling and want something more intense and intimate. Before condemning BDSM, remember that not too long ago, oral sex and homosexuality were considered “perverse.”

Two to 3 percent of American adults play with BDSM, most occasionally, some often, and a few 24/7. That’s around 5 million people. Meanwhile, around 20 percent of adults report some arousal from BDSM images or stories.

There are public BDSM clubs and private groups in every major metropolitan area and throughout rural America. Many cities have several.

Never Abusive

If you’re repulsed by BDSM, don’t play that way. But BDSM imagery pervades society. Henry Kissinger once called power “the ultimate aphrodisiac.” Kings and nations have fought to dominate others. Capitalism assumes a dog-eat-dog world where succeeding means exerting control. And in sports, players strive to “humiliate” opponents.

But what kind of person feels sexually aroused by pain? Many people who are perfectly normal in every other respect. Again, consider sports: When football players make brilliant plays, teammates often slap their butts, punch them, or slap their helmets. Recipients accept this “abuse” gratefully as a sign of appreciation and affection. Or consider a hike up a mountain. You get sunburned. Thorns scratch your legs. And by the time you reach the summit, you’re aching and exhausted. Yet you feel exhilarated.

Sadly, media BDSM has grossly distorted the pain that submissives experience. It’s more theatrical than real. When performed by ethical, nurturing dominants (“doms” or “tops, ), BDSM is never abusive. ( I ca’t stress this enough)

“It’s always consensual,” says Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101. “Abuse is not.” You don’t need restraints, gags, or whips to abuse someone. In loving hands, the equipment heightens sensual excitement, allowing both players to enjoy their interaction, or “scene,” as good, clean, erotic fun.” When BDSM inflicts real pain, it’s always carefully controlled with the submissive (“sub” or “bottom”) specifying limits clearly beforehand.

Subs are very particular about the kinds of pain—many prefer to call it intense sensation—that bring them pleasure. “They experience the pain of bee stings or a punch in the face exactly like anyone else,” Wiseman says, “and dislike it just as much.”

Learning the Ropes

Before experimenting with BDSM, get some instruction. Read a book, take a class, visit Web sites or clubs. (come see ME) Let me assist you in talking to your partner about a fulfilling BDSM relationship!

It takes extensive negotiation to arrive at mutually agreeable BDSM play. Wiseman says that before every scene, players must negotiate all aspects of it, from the players to safe words to everyone’s limits.

How to Begin

First, decide if you’re more into S&M or B&D. If the former, then spanking is the way many people begin. If the latter, blindfolding the sub can be fun.

What Is Intimacy?

Relationship authorities define intimacy as clear, frank, self-revealing emotional communication. But many people equate “intimacy” and “sex.” To be intimate is to be sexual and visa versa. Only it isn’t. It’s quite possible to be sexual with a person you hardly know, the “perfect stranger.”

Most couples don’t discuss their lovemaking very much, which diminishes intimacy. But BDSM absolutely requires ongoing, detailed discussion. Players must plan every aspect of their scenes beforehand and evaluate them afterward. Many BDSM aficionados say that pre-scene discussions are as intimate, erotic, and relationship-enhancing as the scenes themselves. And couples who enjoy occasional power play but who are not exclusively into BDSM often remark that it enhances their non-BDSM “vanilla” sex because the practice they get negotiating scenes makes it easier to discuss other aspects of their sexuality. The skills required for BDSM include trust, clear communication, self-acceptance, and acceptance of the other person. Those same skills that enhance relationships and sex—no matter how you play.

This is a repost of an article from Vice. It hits many great points on why we get that euphoric high from a D/s relationship.

What happens in your head when you get flogged? Scientific researchers and professional dominatrixes talk about endorphins and all the other neurochemicals that make bondage so delightful.

There’s no denying that understanding how the human body works can lead to some intense sex. After all, as clichéd as it is, the brain is the biggest erogenous zone—and BDSM is no different.

It may conjure up images of bondage, discipline, sadomasochism, dominance, and submission, but many BDSM practictioners attribute the pleasurable pain of their fetish to the endorphin rush that accompanies the acting out of their fantasies. There’s even a word for the state of a submissive’s mind and body during and after consensual kinky play: subspace, often described as a “floaty” or “flying” feeling.ADVERTISEMENT

“For all of us, endorphins bind to opiate receptors to naturally relieve pain,” explains Maitresse Madeline Marlowe, a professional dominatrix who also works as a performer and director for Kink.com, a leading BDSM content producer. “Since BDSM play can include power exchange and masochistic acts, endorphins are one of the most common neurotransmitters [produced].”

As far back as 1987, leather activist and author Dr. Geoff Mains hypothesized that BDSM activity stimulated the release of endorphins, but scientists have yet to tease out the exact relationship between neurochemicals and S&M. But subspace does exist: Dr. Brad Sagarin, founder of the Science of BDSMresearch team and a professor of social and evolutionary psychology at Northern Illinois University, has compared it to runner’s high, the sense of euphoria and increased tolerance for pain that some joggers feel after a long run. Except, obviously, one is caused by the asphalt flashing beneath your feet, the other by a whip swishing through the air.

In a 2009 study titled Hormonal Changes and Couple Bonding in Consensual Sadomasochistic Activity, Dr. Sagarin discovered that cortisol levels increase in subs and decrease in doms over the course of a scene. The effect was replicated in the research team’s subsequent research: One 2016 preliminary study which measured the brain’s executive functioning (i.e. basic control of our thoughts, emotions and actions) after participating in BDSM; and another that found that participants in the extreme S&M ritual known as the Dance of Souls (involving temporary piercings of the skin with weights or hooks attached) exhibited increases in cortisol throughout the ritual.ADVERTISEMENT

“Like many potentially stressful or extreme experiences (e.g., sky-diving, fire-walking), individuals’ bodies react to that stress when they engage in BDSM,” Science of BDSM researcher Kathryn Klement told Broadly. “We interpret these cortisol results to mean that when people engage in BDSM play (as the receiver of sensations) or extreme rituals, their bodies release a hormone usually associated with stress. However, we’ve also found that people subjectively report their psychological stress decreasing, so there is a disconnect between what the body is experiencing, and what the individual is perceiving.”

For their 2016 study on brain functioning, Klement admits that the team didn’t directly measure brain activity (“that would require an fMRI, which would be tricky to incorporate into a BDSM scene”). Instead, they had participants complete a Stroop test—a neuropsychological assessment commonly used to detect brain damage—before and after a scene. “Bottoms do much worse on this measure after the scene, while tops show no difference,” Klement says.

PHOTO BY JUAN MOYANO VIA STOCKSY

They inferred from the study that the changes in executive functioning were as a result of the brain redirecting blood flow from higher-order functions to lower-order functions. Writing in the Guardian, Dr. Sagarin revealed that this “temporary impairment of the brain’s executive function capability” was often accompanied by “feelings of floating, peacefulness, time distortion, and living in the here and now.”

“We interpret these changes to be evidence of subspace, an altered state of consciousness that people who are receiving sensations (the bottoms) can experience,” Klement says.ADVERTISEMENT

But what about the psychological subspace felt by those experiencing non-physical play, such as humiliation, pet play, and other fetishes? According to Marlowe, this is where an understanding of behavioural psychology comes in handy.

The click of the boot is a neutral stimulus paired with an unconditioned stimulus of licking the boot clean. It is a learned response.

“In the context of humiliation and pet play, classical and operant conditioning play a huge roll in how these types of fetishes play out. Classical conditioning, made famous by Pavlov’s dog experiment, involves placing a signal before a reflex,” Marlowe explains. “Let’s think of it in a scenario where the domme and sub are enjoying puppy play. The domme may present a signal of a click of her boot, which will lead to the privilege of puppy licking the boot clean. The click of the boot is a neutral stimulus paired with an unconditioned stimulus of licking the boot clean. It is a learned response.”

Operant conditioning, on the other hand, involves reinforcement or punishment after a behaviour. “In the context of humiliation, it can be used to punish and then reinforce a behaviour until it is made right. Let’s say a submissive shows up to be pegged. They made a choice not to shave their derriere hole, [even though the] domme prefers a shaved hole to peg. Instead of getting the pegging session of their dreams, they are humiliated by their domme. I guarantee the next time they arrive to play, that hole would be baby soft. [And] once the sub gets the pegging play of their dreams, it reinforces the voluntary choice to shave.

Snow Mercy, a pro-domme with a PhD in biochemistry, has done a survey of peer-reviewed research and apart from Dr. Sagarin’s study, she says there is a dearth of academic literature and empirical data on the relationship between biopsychology and BDSM.

The remainder of the article can be found at:
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/j5e833/your-brain-on-bdsm-why-getting-spanked-and-tied-up-makes-you-feel-high

Boot worship is the extreme adulation of boots in a BDSM relationship, usually carried out while the footwear is being worn by the Dominatrix.

Boot Worship in a derivative way, in that the adulation may really be attributable to the proximity of the boots to their master/mistress. The foot is usually considered one of the “lowest” and least appreciated parts of the body, and it is a kind of humiliation to be kissing and licking someone’s foot.

In “boot worship”, the humiliation goes one step further. The submissive willingly worships the Domina’s boots, and often without even being asked to. This reverence for the footwear that encloses the Domina’s foot is sometimes an expression of extreme devotion or loyalty, sometimes a concrete admission of inferiority or defeat, and sometimes both. Sometimes, the dominant will choke the submissive by forcefully by placing her booted foot firmly on his throat.. The dominant can also kick the submissive while wearing boots. The dominant can make the slave eat food smashed by her boots, or even the food that sticks to the bottom of boots. Boots are also used by the dominant for ball busting. It may also consist, more passively, of the submissive lying prone and being “trampled” by the dominant partner.

A Domina can also have the submissive lying down in front of them, and then place their boots over the submissive’s mouth, face, or body instead of the floor.

It seems often that boot worship goes hand in hand with a Female Lead Relationship. Post up in the comments and tell me about your earliest memories of having a boot fetish!

Let’s talk Tribute to the Mistress.

One of the most essential parts of showing your dedication to a Mistress is offering tribute. Tributes are given freely without coercion or guilt. Tribute; however, is required for in person sessions, online sessions, and continued online relationships with the Mistress. In some cases the Mistress may terminate all contact with the submissive until a tribute has been given. Tribute is not something begged for or requested. The relationship is simple. You offer tribute, or we have nothing additional to discuss.

Now, on to our relationship! I have been a Dominatrix for over 20 years. I have a verifiable, well known presence on the internet. So much so that the name Lady Sultry has been copied once or twice, even by a well known escort (prostitute) in Dallas Texas. I am a professional that practices and enhances my skill set daily. I am not an “online only” Dominatrix. This is who I am. I look forward to helping you explore your fetishes and fantasies in a safe and healthy manner.

What Do I expect:

Tribute types can range from cash, PayPal payments, CashApp, money orders, cashier’s checks, weekly installments, purchases from Amazon wishlists, camera gear, cars, boats, travel, jewelry, shoes, boots, corsets, toys, stocks, bonds, and I’ll even accept a private island if you have one.

I also accept certain forms of domestic servitude as tribute. (lawn care, housekeeping, shopping assistance, etc) We can discuss your method of tribute during your application interview process.